| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2009|01:30 pm] |
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Guys I'm writing a book! |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2009|03:43 am] |
I... I think you ruined my life all over again.
I'm also pretty sure I'm gonna die. Sense of impending doom and all that rot. Woo.
I don't know whats wrong with me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2009|08:32 pm] |
I'm A-OK on the sickness front. Kind of. I'm still sick but not as sick as I was afraid of.
ANYWAY. Today I cut someone out of my life (temporarily? I don't know. I hope so.) until they apologize to me. There is NO reason I should have to deal with this kind of stress from a friend.
I mean, I love 'em and all as any friend should and I will ALWAYS care but like.. I want to be happy too! :( I want to be happy and I want to hang out and I don't want it to be drama based on some ridiculous conceptions. I don't want to be wondering when it is I'll feel lied to or screwed over again.
I don't want to be put through the ringer. I just want to be able to say "Hey, let's hang out tonight!" And not be turned away :/ I dunno, I'm so... tired. I dunno.
I want to be there, but. but. I don't know. I just want things to stabilize.
:( I deserve some stability. And I deserve an apology. I deserve a friend who is there for me.
That's all I want. That's it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2009|01:21 pm] |
So so so so. I have a nice big appointment on tuesday to check for the cancers. X-rays, ultrasounds, pokes, prods, you name it, I'm getting it. (Except an MRI, which is kind of disappointing. I was curious as to what that would be like. Ultrasounds? Not so much.)
It's still fucking scary. I'm still really scasred that, you know, I might die. But I've kinda come to accept it. I mean, not too long ago was it that I actively wanted to die, right? Now I don't, but ha, maybe some power out there a little belatedly answered my wishes.
If I have late stage cancer, I'm not going to go in for treatment. It will be rough in the last few months as my organs get riddled with tumours and shut down. But at least I won't spend my last days in the hospital. I'll go travelling (with some morphine and some serious travel insurance, haha) and do some things I never got to do before. That would be nice. If its early stage, chemo for me. I hope I look good with no hair, hahaha.
On a related note, if its not cancer, then its either cysts, which require surgery, or a serious infection which requires surgery. Of course, the tests for infections came up negative, so that wonderfully narrows the field, eh?
I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared. This sucks. It's hard going through this without a friend I can turn to.
I mean, there's the guy I've been dating. But what better way to ruin a date than turning around and being all, "Hey I might die in the next five years because of cancer!" I mean, we've talked about how I'm going in for a barrage of tests on Tuesday, but I didn't tell him what they were looking for. He's been pretty supportive otherwise, which is nice.
He's a Masters student, a few years older than me. Speaks four languages and makes me laugh and laugh. Unfortunately our schedules have been terribly mismatched recently, so our dates have been much more low-key than I like. You know, seeing movies, hitting the pubs, etc. Much hand-holding, snuggly sweetness that I have missed. We're pretty compatible personality-wise, but so far when things have gotten a little heavier, I've been disappointed. Not because it's bad, but because it's not great. I think I've been spoiled in that way. Kind of sucks.
Oh well. Can't have everything, I guess. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|11:30 pm] |
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What the fuck, life? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|08:30 pm] |
Life is so EXCITING right now
I'm not even kidding. Like nothing interesting is happening at all I'm just flipping excited ALL THE TIME. Not like... jumping around and stuff, but just... jittery and bubbly and interested in EVERYTHING and curious and shyer than normal but that's okay.
Like stuff is happening that kind of sucks but I'm juust like "Debit declined? Oh right I get paid thursday and I can use my credit card!!" and like. I don't even know.
I'm throwing up twice a day now. At least. Sometimes more. By about 7ish the nausea subsides and I take another (half) pill around then. Then it starts up again a few hours later. My dosage goes up on Saturday. I find the dry mouth and the nausea to be the worst, but I don't sleep very well either, and it's starting to plague my memory retention (I forget words pretty often right now). It was better today though. I get really drowsy, but I can't get an uninterrupted night of sleep.
I think, in general, this medicine stuff is a success! I hardly even think about the past year except in like... trying to plan a kinda resolution kinda talk. Mostly its about the future, which seems like very hopeful little thoughts to me, but I guess that's better than very negative ones.
I still get sad of course. I feel bad for stuff I said and stuff. But I don't know. I'm not getting overwhelmed by it I guess.
I have Sounds of Silence stuck in my head and have ALL DAY. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2009|05:06 pm] |
I have been diagnosed with severe clinical depression. Severe enough that they have decided to skip counseling/therapy and go straight to medication.
I am incapable right now of rational thought regarding anything emotional. I have lucid moments and if I try hard, I can put up a front for a few days where I seem like a completely normal person. I'm not. Everything is taken personally. I just... I can't see things how they actually are. It's not that I'm twisting things in order to hurt. My brain interprets everything negatively. I have no self-esteem because I essentially have a little voice in my head (not literally in the like.. schizophrenic sense) that is telling me that everyone hates me and nobody cares. In lucid moments, I KNOW they do. I know people care and I know they're trying their ABSOLUTE BEST to make me feel better and I know I'm just completely not seeing it.
It's not because I'm being an attention seeking, overbearing whore (well I know that's what I'm coming off as) but it's because I literally can't. Everything gets twisted. I can't see anything positive. I can't interpret anything as positive. I try and I try and I try but my brain finds some way to turn a good thing into a bad thing.
Sit up for four hours and listen to me? Not enough. Text me all day? Not enough.
Nothing will ever be enough in this state. Nothing. And its absolutely the right move to cut me off right now because I'm only gonna drag people down. (Although I could also be being incredibly hard on myself right now. I can't tell. I would like support while taking the drugs.) And that's not fair and I can completely understand people not wanting to be friends with me. It's too hard.
I understand that. I really really hope this gets read, although I doubt it will.
If the drugs work, within a few weeks, I'll be back to how I was a few months ago: not great, but still able to see positive things. I won't be threatening suicide on the smallest thing. I'll be able to forgive and reconcile things again. I'll be able to function is some capacities again. If the drugs work. At that point, I will be starting counseling regarding self-esteem issues and interpersonal problems and stuff. With that, and more weeks on the drugs, I should be back to my old self (the FIRST me who was fazed by NOTHING and was a really wicked friend who liked everyone) who was confident and able to deal with the regular ups and downs of a normal, healthy friendship.
Sara, I know you're gonna be there through the darkest part. I'm going to be hell to deal with for the next few weeks. I hope you can stick around. I know you know what I'm going through and I really hope you can deal with my sadness better than I could yours.
Brandon, please forgive me for being so damn hard on you. I know this is a weak excuse "the insanity defense" and all that, but I really really couldn't control myself. I did try, I ASSURE you I tried. There is no excuse for how I treated you and if I were you, I would probably have ditched out long ago and said "screw this" back when you were and I was arguing back. I should have let you go then. I should have distanced myself. but all I saw was "I'm trying here and getting nothing back" but that is obviously not the case. You know it. I didn't. I could not see.
Nothing would make me feel better, you're right. Nothing could. You were doing the job of like.. three therapists for me. I should never ever have expected that from you. I just rolled up all my pent up stress and guilted you into it and that was WRONG. And I am SO sorry and I'll understand if you hate me forever. I hope you don't because I still want to be your friend when I get better (if you'll please be patient with me.) and only when I get better because I should not have someone who will let me lean on them so hard.
On the other hand, I think you basically slapping me in the face with a "fuck you, I'm ignoring you now" essentially has been a good kick in the ass to actually do something about myself. It certainly put me into crisis mode that made me decide to go to my parents and just... ask for help. So I guess that's a thanks.
I became so fixated on "fixing" the friendship because I was trying to keep some control on my life. I was insane. I AM insane. It's no excuse, certainly, for what I did, but I just want to explain. And I hope you forgive my last (hopefully forever) explosion and give me one last chance in a couple months to make it up. If I screw up then, by all means, cut me completely out of your life.
But please, please give me this one last concession. One last benefit of the doubt. I CAN be the person you actually liked. I will be. I won't be hard work anymore.
Um. To everyone else: Thanks for reading. Hopefully I'll kind of be able to log my recovery? Well. Not really. But hopefully the tone of my posts will change in the coming times.
We're starting with a low dose of Cipralex. It's going to increase. For sure. If the Cipralex does not manage my depression, I'm going to be referred to a psychiatrist who will try to help me find a drug (or drug cocktail) that helps my moods balance out.
Um. ll my posts for the last year or so. I have not lied. Everything that I talked about, DID happen. People were jerks. But my reactions and the way I took some things were probably all wrong. That said, I'm going to say that some serious stressors throughout the past year did help trigger a real drop in my ability to cope with the world and my moods. And that's true.
It's not to say that it was anyone's fault. Of course nobody could foresee how badly I would end up reacting. In all reality, I should have just been able to be upset briefly. Not for months. You know, "Fuck you, that was UNCOOL." "Sorry." "Yeah alright, jerk, you owe me some good hangouts" that was that.
Um, the end. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2009|07:16 pm] |
I hate feeling like I'm the only one who cares whether or not a friendship crashes and burns. Like. I put so much energy into pouring my heart out so that I can get OVER the things that are bothering me and they BOTHER me. And it's like I can't even get the tiny amount of effort it would take to make me feel like I'm not the only one who cares?
Like come on. The trust was completely ruined. I was burned BADLY. Like I was unhappy to the point where I wasn't eating or sleeping. I lost 30 pounds over the year and I was not big to begin with. Every single promise given to me was broken. And yet I can't even ask for a little extra time to rebuild that trust without it being a fucking fight.
Well fuck that. I am so done trying. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|02:54 pm] |
I'm stuck in a rut. I'm at my parents' house now and plan to be here at least another couple of weeks. I was just too tired of putting up with it. I'm done. But here, I have no one to hang out with. I'm very lonely. But at least I don't feel like killing myself anymore. I'm eating a lot more. Not better, just more. Which in any case is probably good. I gained about 4 lbs in a week. Not something that's gonna continue, hopefully, or I'll be huge.
But I feel so... stuck. I feel like I've failed. I feel like... ugh, nothing's good. I'm just tired all the time and its a chore to be friendly. I want to tell everyone off. I don't... LIKE people. I don't trust people. Its really terribly stressful.
ksdhk.jhg;kjl;djh life. I don't deserve this! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2009|12:09 am] |
Its the worst feeling ever to sit and realize that your heart was crushed for someone that picks fights all the time. And you have to sit and hear them. And wonder how you could be worth less than that.
And then hear someone say something pissed off because your sister was actually sticking up for you when no one else will.... ): |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 6th, 2009|07:05 pm] |
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I fucking hate it when people act oblivious. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2009|04:53 am] |
it wasn't supposed to be like this
whydid i get so lied to
why did i believeall the bullshit spun for me
why do i still think its worth all the pain
why cant i move on its not like im even getting anything out of it
its like
stockholm syndrome
battered wife i feel so used and abused
lull me into some sense of security and then stomp all over my heart
right in the lull
leave me completely crushed
cutting my arms up at night when im alone
not cause of the partying
because im not worthanything
try to get over it
do the whole getting out and trying to meet new people
doesnt work
i try and i try and i try
but i cant seem to stop waiting for all those broken promises
i want them to be fixed
i want to believein you again
and not just wait for the happiness between forgotten words
forgotten feelings
the closeness and then sudden distance
why
i cant be judgemental i try to come up with reasons
explain all this pain because im not given any
im not judging
im trying to understand
how smeone can claim to care
and then do nothing but watch as i writhe in pain
ive given up waiting for realizations
ive given up hoping for that epiphany
where you realize that despite it all ive stuck by you
and despite my anger at what youve done to me
time and time and time again
i dont stop sticking by you
when you came home drunk
breaking the last promise you made to me that you had not broken
i was mad
i was very mad
and i told your drunken self exactly why i was mad
and i yelled a little
that doesnt mean i hate you or your not worth my time
i still made sure yu got some water before bed
so your hangover wouldnt be quite the monster it would have been
thats support
support and understanding isnt allowing your friends to do whatever they want
step all over everything you hold dear
because theyre "human" and bound to make mistakes
its getting fucking angry about real things
and then despite being wronged making sure they are ok
its not passively sitting by and letting them become terrible people
addicts or deadbeats or users
its encouraging them to become better people
and sometimes
when your friend is too pigheaded sometimes to really stop and think
not consider
REALLY stop and think about what kind of effect this stuff will have
not 'how will this affect people' and analyzing and finding a way to do it
by stepping on as few toes as possible
but 'am i being a real friend' and choosing a different course
then it takes getting really upset
it takes tough love
and thats what i give
yelling and insults hurt
and you get defensive
i understand that
but sometimes there is no other way to even make you understand
because you have these plans and refuse to deviate
its a good trait for sure most of the time
it means youre motivated and steadfast
only it can also create tunnel vision
that there is only one path
so focused on the goal that when things fall to the wayside
theyre forgotten
unnoticed
yousaid once you had forgotten how much you really liked me
that wasnt that long ago
i didnt understand how you could just forget
but it seems to me now that because youre so focused on making things work
that i just got forgotten
the nights of incredible intimacy and not in the physical sense
forgotten
the ability to talk about nothing literally nothing for hours
forgotten
because when you focus on making things work
you lose sight of things that could
and would
work better
and it would
im going to get dismissed as some pathetic
bleeding brokenhearted puppy
jealous
clinging t the lastshred of hope
resentful
but im right
and i know im right
despite all the self esteem issues
and the lack of self confidence
this one thing im confident in
and missing the boat will be the greatest mistake you ever made
one day when youre into your career
youre married to someone you cant really stand
and im no longer present
youll look back and wonder why the hell you didnt hold on
because im worth holding on to
when im not forced to compete
im not clingy
when im not subservient to some one elses needs
im not jealous
when my very presence isnt an apology
im happy bouncy perky
alive
when i feel wanted
i give and give and give
with no need to reciprocate
im intelligent
im fun
im beautiful though you never tell me anymore
when im not wallowing in a depression
im active
im worth it
but you have forgotten that in your path to making things work
for some fools errand
so focused on keeping something going
that should have ended when you realized how you felt about me
because falling for someone else doesnt mean work harder and ignore the obvious
it means reevaluate
and i should not have been so kind about it
i was happy
i was important to you
there was no need for me to be upset with the way things were
i didnt need to be the only one
because im not jealous
i dont compete
but you made it a competition
you made me jealous
and unhappy
by choosing to let her treat me like crap
and stick by her despite her lack of respect for your friendship to me
making you ditch me
and she managed
because you were too afraid to let her be angry
for something that was completely and utterly ridiculous
you had to make me go home so you could smooth things over
and youcame home as if nothing had happened
like my presence wasnt worth fighting for
stop being so focused on that
because youll lose everything else
and there are some things
like me
thatare more valuable than someone who has been far more clingy
than i could ever be
sure i got angry about you constantly being late
and breaking your word to me time and time and time again
but thats not clingy
thats courtesy
you tell someone something
you should do it
not try
not even tryhard
just do
and sometimes things come up that make you late
or make you have to break plans
its happens
but it doesnt happen allthe time
and it doesn't happen consistently for almost a year
and thats what makes me angry
not me being clingy or jealous or whatever other labels you have applied to me
judged me with!!!
thats me wanting you to treat me like a human being
and not your lovesick puppy
someone who gives me dirty looks for sitting next to you in a restaurant
someone who holds a grudge for a YEAR for a drunken cuddle
because she didn't 'know me'
despite the fact that i was your friend
that you already had a thing for
you told me once you wanted to kiss me from the first time we met
after the rush concert
when you were trying to find reasons to hang out longer
i noticed
i knew there was a spark
i ignored it because your puppy
and you get defensive when i say that
but theres no reason to get defensive if youre sure its not true
defensiveness always comes from doubt
was getting angry
wanted to go to bed
apparently
the fact is
if youre going to be attracted to someone immediately
and you still are
you can try to hide it all you like
and i know our behaviour has made it very difficult to get along
and that can make it seem like were not even friends
much less have any sort of spark
but its there
and can be denied right up until it dies
but it still exists
if it didnt we wouldnt argue so heatedly
we wouldnt fight and fight and fight
to stayin eachothers lives
you wouldnt work so damn hard to keep me happy
and i know its hard
i dont make it easy
i wouldnt stick around despite all the hurt
if youre going to be attracted to someone immediately
and find them to be the best first-kiss
something else i remember from long ago
then its not something to just be pushed aside
for some frivolous thing as duration
sure you have been in a relationship a long time
and thats nothing to jeopardize for a little attraction
but this wasnt a little crush
this was not a few-weeks blushing and crushing thing
it was a real feeling
real chemistry
and you dont just fuck with that
you dont just put it on hold
ignore it until you convince yourself it isnt there
ignore me until the bond starts to fade
never spend any time alone with me
actually talking
whenever there's a chance
inviting people over
and putting on movies
keeping me at arms length because for some reason
you want it to die
the friendship
and everything above it that happened
but its stupid
its so stubborn for no reason
and its absolutely frustrating and i want to slap you around until you get it
stop with the ridiculousness
stop fighting
stop working
start living
start loving
and i mean really loving
not that step on others toes to please a jealous highschool sweetheart
but by sitting and realizing that hey
you can have girl friends
you can hang out with the boys
or with both at once
you can do things with your girlfriend AS friends
you dont have to play this game
where a girl cant be a good friend because shes a girl
or because shes a pretty girl
and i am very pretty
i could be wearing ratty old pyjamas and still be pretty
i mean how shallow is that
but noooooooo
four years
four years and suddenly
suddenly the girl of your dreams
and thats what i could be if you let me
youre letting slip away
because of four measly years
i started this note on no confidence
as i wrote
i realized how valuable i really am
and how much youre missing out on
how much im worth and how much youre throwing away
and i think
you know what
whats the point of pining
and being sad
and hurting
because no matter what
i know that down the road
when im in a better place
and youre stuck in the working to make it work tunnel
and you may be successful in other areas
and you may be the prime minister for all i know
but you still wont have me
and you wish you will
and it may not bother you on a day to day basis
but the regret will be there
because there will be something amazing missing
something you know would be incredible
while i
knowing that i gave my everything
lived to the fullest
took the risks
and got hurt
wont regret losing out
because at least i tried
and at least i put myself out there enough to get so hurt
and missing the boat that is having me will be the biggest mistake
when you realize the mistake you made
it will be too late
maybe it will take knowing
you know
i dont need you
i dont need you
i dont need you
to knock some sense into your head
or maybe it will take seeing me with someone else
someone maybe who doesnt live up to you
some dork ill probably dump in six months anyway
but will make me forget how amazing you are
and maybe it will take me drifting out of your life as easily as i came in
and leaving you stuck where you are
and you may be happy for a while
but the question will come
did you make the right choice
did letting her go really work
did you make the right choice
what would things have been like
would you be happier
does she remember me
does she think about me like this
do i ever pop up in her dreams
or her thoughts
will some of the things we did remind her of me
will she watch lord of the rings and remember our reading it kind of together one summer
or will she run to the store at 2 in the morning to buy cookies
and remember doing that the first time we hung out for more than a few hours
will she listen to rush and remember that initial attraction
where the kiss was screaming to be had but ignored
maybe she will lie in bed
wrapped in the arms of the man she ended up with
and remember those nights where that was all that mattered
maybe she will go to rome and remember the plans to get married there
and then systematically visit every country
finishing with the british isles
maybe even getting deported for some ridiculous stunt pulled at the queens palace
the talk of hockey games and chicken wings and coke when she watches the games
from the time when you were too cool for beer
and i really mean cool
i thought you were so cool for that
the long discussions about the beatles
or hugging a bear with being hugged at night
the soft first kiss goodbye after the first visit together
or any of the subsequent ones
or the first kiss hello on the next meeting
like one that was wanted for the whole month that went by in between the first goodbye and the first hello
the butterflies that the first admittance of real feelings gave
or the butterflies that happened every other time
when her new boy visibly melts at her smiles and laughs, will she think of you
the playfighting that was just that
playfighting
the tickling
will she hear a snippet of some sweet guitar solo and think of the song you wrote her all that time ago
the beautiful one whose first mp3 she still had saved a year later
under the original file name
liverpool
because of the beatles
but in all reality
i wont
i wont think of the good times
i wont think of the memories
i wont be reminded
because i know what would have happened
and i know how it would go
and im not idealizing when i say it would be wonderful
because i dont know if it would last
and it certainly wouldnt be perfect
we would fight
and fighting is okay as long as its for good things
things that make you think
maybe find some way to become a better person
fights that help to remind you that being punctual is incredibly important
and fights that tell you that you need to be more understanding
and fights that help you learn to keep promises
and fights that teach you to be more patient about things
and to not overanalyze words and phrases
but perhaps also fights that help you realize that word choice is something to consider
and as far as some people are concerned thats not perfect
because it takes 'work'
but fights arent work
work is not being able to be yourself - affectionate and happy
work is constantly being sorry
work is hiding a big secret
work is pretending youre not as close to someone as you are
fights are not fun
and theyre not happy
and theyre not easy
but theyre worth the good they bring
ive learned to be more understanding
ive learned to be patient and not get worked up over 15 minutes
and not sit there and think about every word said
ive learned to communicate with you
and its been negative lately
but the positive communication is always the easiest
and always gets out of the way first
the negative hurts
and is a huge obstacle
but we can do it
we can sit there and feel like shit about eachother
and make eachother feel like shit
its certainly not a one sided thing
but in the end of it all
though you accuse me of constantly judging
and being judgmental
and looking for faults
in the end of it all
i see those faults and am your friend in spite of them
no
because of them
just like you're my friend because of mine
we can see past those and be close
we dont avoid the fights and unhappiness
though i know i try sometimes
because im scared to make you unhappy
its the last thing i want
i dont want you to hurt
and i dont want to hurt
but it has to be done
and ignoring it makes it worse
and pretending that these issues dont exist doesnt help
and resolving-but-not-really doesnt do anything
and being proud of never having fights
whats the point
and im happy we dont avoid them
and though they have been way too much lately
exacerbated by the other stresses
because generally all our fights boil down to issues caused by other stresses
every single one
every time i get angry and every time we fight
its sparked by actions around someone else
whether that is what you tell my dad
or how i react to kim
or how you treat me because of her
or how we both approach the problem with jared
or how low i ended up on your priority list
and we work these things out
and headway doesnt seem to be made
because there is a refusal to recognize some problem
and too much stubbornness to realize
that im worth every single minute you think of me
and every single second you spend with me
and that until you manage to completely kill what i feel for you
by denying and denying and denying that its mutual
because you may have convinced yourself that im completely psycho
but no one goes from loving someone and slipping up and saying it
and i did hear you when you screwed up that time and told me you loved me when you meant to say goodbye
i said what to give you an out
because that would have been an awkward conversation at that point
to just not
no one
until that point i will be here for you
support you
give you my all
because i think youre worth it
and i know i am worth the same treatment
and i may seem clingy and ridiculous
because i dont really have any other friends
and i dont try to go to events and stuff
but thats because
the hell i know is better than the hell i dont know
im not ready to trust other people yet
because people break me
the flake out
they say nasty things behind my back
they act nice
but in reality think im some sort of lying scum
they tell their friends they like me
but months later explode and let everyone know they have hated me in secret for everything i did to them
which was nothing
they disrupt my house with potheads and drunks
they spend my money by eating the food i bought specifically for myself
they break my trust
they disrespect me
im not ready for new people
the old ones hurt me too much
but im working on trying to salvage the relationship that really really matters
in one way or another
because its worth it
and im pouring a lot of energy into it
and it seems pathetic
and stuck
but i know i didnt deserve to be tossed aside
im worth so much more than to be tossed aside
and some day youll recognize that
and youll recognize how smart
how attractive
how beautiful
how funny
how alive
how amazing
i am
and how i made you feel
youll remember that
physically
emotionally
mentally
and you WILL wish you had taken the risk
and it might have ended horribly
and it might have never worked
but now you'll never know
and thats something you will have to live with
i love you
though i dont know why
and i probably shouldnt
and one day i wont
i know how things would be
i know how great a person i am
how incredible a girlfriend i could be
because im honest to you
and i will always be honest to you
whether we are curled up in bed together
sitting on a couch watching a movie
eating lunch with a bunch of friends
arguing over the latest issue thats arisen and my fault or yours
awkwardly trying to piece our friendship back together
i will always be honest
and i will tell you even if it is just text because the words are too damn hard
how im feeling
my perspective
whether you agree or not
and the bottom line here is
youre really missing out on an awesome thing
and im sorry you are. |
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[Apr. 3rd, 2009|04:40 am] |
I don't hate but this is as close to the sentiment as I can get from the mouth of someone else.
at least i'm not alone |
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[Mar. 27th, 2009|03:27 am] |
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I hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you |
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[Mar. 24th, 2009|02:56 am] |
Since last entry:
- I tried to walk to the hospital at three am
- Endured being ditched for a weekend
- Dealt with being chewed out for being too dependent when I wasn't
- Got told about plans to go back on someone's word to me
- Sent some right nasty text messages
You know. Its like... overcompensation for something. Like there is SO much denial for some retarded reason that somehow I'm being too dependent and too clingy and everything and you know, I'm REALLY really not (And haven't been. I have never tried to keep anyone from doing stuff. I have gotten upset when I was flaked on or told one thing and had another happen or was left to stay up waiting for someone who promised to be home at a certain time, and I have most certainly been happy when I was chosen over.. Tim Hortons or whatever. But I was never like, "NO YOU CAN'T GO DO THAT.") but for some reason, I just get this intentional, retarded distancing and it certainly shows itself in the worst ways. And it's frustrating and causes a whole lot of tension.
Who was the one who made me promise to never pretend like things didn't happen or that I don't feel the way I do? I didn't promise myself that. I also didn't make up eurolope plans by myself and I didn't tell myself I loved me and I didn't tell myself I'd do anything for me and I didn't tell myself I could see us dating and I didn't tell myself that I'm my go-to person and I didn't tell myself that it's awesome that you're so special to me and I didn't tell myself all sorts of retarded promises and plans and dreams and secrets.
I absolutely refuse to believe that that would be cut fucking to the ground for absolutely no reason. "Things changed" bullshit they did. BullSHIT. This whole situation is so full of shit. You don't encourage my hard fucking work all summer in order to break my heart. You don't hurt me only to pull me closer afterwards only to fucking destroy me. You don't lead me on THAT hardcore because it's fun.
Or maybe you do. In that case, you're really not worth my time.
And I say that when I'm frustrated because all this... IT'S not worth my time. I deserve so so so so so much more than this. I deserve everything you told me you would give me. I deserve someone wonderful. How you were before "things changed".
And despite all that, I'm basically powerless, because I couldn't give a fuck about being with anyone else. So I can talk big but I can never follow through because I'm completely screwed over. Serves me right for being fucking loyal. I try. I have been on dates but I just don't fucking care.
I hate my life because I've fallen so completely for someone who protested to feel the same and then turned around and slapped me in the face repeatedly and tortured me to the point where I wanted to kill myself on multiple occasions. I have had enough but I keep taking more because I'm fucking retarded.
So stupid so stupid so stupid so stupid. I hate myself so much. |
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[Mar. 15th, 2009|05:23 am] |
I haven't felt that good in a while. I felt important and unstressed and laid back and stuff just didn't bother me.
I like having my opinion considered and I like being drawn into conversations and falling asleep at the end of movies and catching a late breakfast/late lunch and impulsively trekking further than intended and surfing the internet with someone reading over my shoulder and I like sitting on the same couch and hearing about hobos and hockey games and playfighting and being kinda closeish.
I'm pretty contented - I'm really not hard at all to keep happy. I really missed getting the real face-to-face playfullish interaction and real conversations that we had originally bonded over. All those first few visits that were completely harmless in all that happened because it wasn't charged with some weird secret... thing that ended up blowing up and really burning me. They were just lots of all kinds of fun and that's what I want again. |
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[Mar. 14th, 2009|04:24 am] |
I'm mildly disappointed in today for the mere fact that I was looking forward to actual kinda bonding time and ended up more being a bit of a maid through other people's bonding time. Not so much fun.
I mean it was okay but I expected things to be different.
Oh well. Such is my life: "I expected things to be different" |
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[Mar. 11th, 2009|03:11 am] |
I'm so tired of feeling like my heart is getting stomped on all the time. ): Its really, really ifficult to deal with.
I KNEW that I would end up going home alone tonight. It was the worst feeling I've had in quite some time. I waited for two hours and then Kim flipped about me hanging out with Brandon when she wanted to see him and he chilled with me for a while but then left to go "work it out" and I had to go home alone only to have them come home as if nothing happened
and where does that leave me? Confused and upset because I'm subject to this absolutely retarded way things work where things are "worked out" where I'm the one who gets treated badly and I don't even get some sort of recompense. ):
I am so stressed. I just want all this bullshit to be made up to me because I can't deal with hissy fits and what I want being overridden because of them.
I was doing so well and its right back to being unhappy. |
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[Mar. 6th, 2009|03:49 pm] |
"I wanna go to a hockey game."
"I know. Maybe next year we can all go! Maybe we'll be able to find three tickets... then Jared, you and I can go!"
"Oh. Okay."
That made me kind of sad and swept under the rug. Its like we can't do normal friendly things like go see a hockey game for fear it would seem like a date or something. Whatever happened to "we can still go to the zoo just you and me!" and things like that?
I mean for the most part my insecurity is kind of justified every once in a while.
I'm in a good mood now, and was after that, but it was just a liiiittttle thoughtless I guess. I have no reason to be upset, but its not too much to ask to want to go out and do things as friends and not have to be chaperoned so others don't think its a date or something. |
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